


911

by Nightbreed



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Death, Depression, Drug Use, Explicit Language, F/F, Mild Sexual Content, Sexual Content, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-15
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2020-09-01 03:57:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 19,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20251798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nightbreed/pseuds/Nightbreed
Summary: There is a major death. It's somewhat traumatic and there is a lot of sensitive material.Please be warned: (After receiving some feedback, I feel the need to warn anyone who proceeds with this fiction that it is a very disturbing and upsetting piece. Some have felt it so much so that they couldn't proceed. Pay attention to the tags/warnings and do not take them lightly.)





	1. Any Given Sunday  (And She Was)

Chapter 1  
Any Given Sunday

Ali smiled at Ashlyn from across the store as she thumbed through the different dresses that would no doubt cling perfectly against her body in just the right places. She flashed a playful bright smile that when she turned back to inspect the clothing, Ashlyn felt that she’d been suddenly pulled out of the sunshine and forced into shade. Watching her dark locks cascading down her back and sway with every movement, she pulled another dress closer to inspect and then held it against her body gauging its length.

  
Ashlyn stood with her hands in the pockets of her khakis, glancing down quickly to take a deep breath and lighten the feelings of desire that gripped the pit of her stomach. Intimate thoughts creeping back into her mind as she peeked over again at Ali who mercilessly tortured her with the way the black dress pants hugged her from behind.

  
Glancing around the store, Ashlyn took a few very slow casual steps toward Ali and stepped up onto the display floor in front of the clothing rack that had her attention. Sliding her hands out of her pockets, she placed them on Ali’s ass gently and pulled her back until her body was pressed against her firmly. Ali leaned her head back and rested it on the blonde’s shoulder. Smiling at Ashlyn, she whispered,” See something you like?”

Leaning in for a quick kiss, she steadied her hands around Ali’s waist when her lips lightly brushed back causing Ashlyn to linger a moment longer.  
“You smell good”, Ali whispered. Brushing her fiancé’s lips again with her own, she reached up and pulled the hat off of Ashlyn’s head. She smiled in the seductive way that drove the blonde crazy.

Placing the hat on herself, she leaned back a little closer and reached behind her to pull Ashlyn’s hips against her firmly. When her fiancé’ took a quick breath that caught in her chest and closed her eyes, Ali knew how badly she was torturing her.

  
Turning quickly, her long chestnut hair following her, Ali took Ashlyn’s hands and asked, “Are you tired of shopping with me yet?”

  
“Never.”

  
“Are you hungry?”

  
When Ashlyn gave her a stifled smile, Ali blushed. Her cheeks flushed and she batted her dark eyes as she quickly turned. Ashlyn slowly followed and took her hand and laced their fingers. As they walked side by side out into the sweet summer evening, Ali squeezed her hand lightly and leaned her head against Ash.

Walking leisurely, the couple strolled two more blocks, pausing every once in a while, to window shop silently. Pulling open the restaurant door, Ashlyn held it as Ali also took her other hand to steady herself up the one step in the heels that she was navigating gracefully. As Ashlyn went to the front, Ali slipped into the bathroom to check her make-up. Glancing into the mirror, she could see she had lots of problem areas tonight that were shiny. Pulling a powder puff out of her purse, she dabbed the powder on her face before smoothing it over and flawlessly blending it. When the door to the foyer opened, Ali smiled. Ashlyn took a few relaxed steps over to stand beside Ali. “You’re gorgeous. Don’t touch another thing.”

“Don’t touch what?” she asked, turning and leaning back against the counter. Taking her waist in her hands, she lifted her up and set her back on the counter beside the sink. Pushing back a few inches to sit, Ali shrieked a little when Ashlyn quickly pulled her back towards the edge of the counter against her with a leg dangling on either side.

Placing her palms lightly on Ashlyn’s chest, Ali smiled at the pleasant chills that ran down her spine. Ash ran her hands lightly back through Ali’s long hair and trailed her fingers down her back. Shivering a bit, she ran a finger over Ashlyn’s bottom lip and whispered, “Why are you teasing me tonight?”

Smiling mischievously, Ashlyn ghosted her fingers down Ali’s bare arms and argued, “Who’s teasing who?”

  
Pouting her lip and bowing her head a bit, dark locks fell around her face and over her shoulders in a cascade as she peered back knowingly.

  
“Keep it up, “Ashlyn warned. “Two can play at that game.”

  
Her hands on the tops of Ali’s knees, Ashlyn ran them along the inside of her thighs and stopped with her thumbs pressing against the inside of where her legs met her body. Leaning forward and taking a couple playful bites from her neck, Ali sighed and threw her head back. A subtle moan softly escaped her lips and she shifted a little against Ashlyn’s teases.

  
“Jesus, you’re hot, “Ashlyn pulled back a few inches. Reaching her hand up and placing it on Ali’s forehead, she went on, “I mean really hot.”

  
Ali studied her face for a moment unable to tell if she was playing around or not. When her eyes wandered down to her plunging cleavage, Ali raised a lone finger and warned, “Stop that.”

  
Not breaking her gaze on the beautiful skin on display, Ashlyn mumbled, “I give up. I don’t care. You win.”

  
“I what?” The brunette asked almost singing.

  
“You win”, Ashlyn said again. “I can’t stand it. “

  
A victorious smile and a half smirk covering her face, Ali tried not to giggle and crinkled her nose to stifle it.

  
“You’re evil,” Ashlyn pouted. “Absolutely evil.”

  
Wrapping her legs around Ashlyn and pulling her into a slow deep kiss that took their breath away, Ali let out a soft confession into her ear, “I just have a better poker face.”

Taking Ashlyn’s hand into hers and sliding it down the front of her satin pants, she leaned back a bit to give her room and glanced away embarrassed. Before she could even reach the short-cropped patch of hair, Ashlyn felt just how turned on Ali really was. A fiendish half smile curling her lip, she slowly looked back up at Ali. It was a trick. As completely overheated as Ali truly was in that moment, Ashlyn could still hold out and win. And by the looks of the pleading need in Ali’s eyes, it might not take too long.

Slowly retracting her hand out of her waistband, Ashlyn nodded, “Wow. You are good. I didn’t think you were as horny as me.”

Taking a step back and lifting the hat from Ali’s head, Ashlyn put it back on and started straightening out her look in the mirror while Ali squirmed uncomfortably on the counter but never saying a word.

Standing up and smoothing out her shirt underneath her vest, Ashlyn looked back to Ali and asked, “So are you hungry?”

  
Ali never blinked. She held their gaze for almost a full minute before nodding, “Yes, I am. “Ashlyn could finally see the cracks in the foundation. She watched as Ali started to adjust herself a little bit too seductively to be natural. Or maybe it was all in her head because she literally felt like she was going to explode at any minute. She began fluffing her hair back and adjusting her top. When she peeked at her own cleavage and threw her head back, Ashlyn almost passed out. Ali was still playing the game.

Following slowly behind Ashlyn, Ali uncomfortably adjusted her thong again before they left the restroom foyer. The state she was now in, the garment was furiously working against her keeping her cool. Every step now tormented her with an ache that wouldn’t subside. She felt like the throbbing between her legs was going to push her over the edge with every step she took.

Looking up to break her gaze from Ashlyn’s perfect ass, Ali huffed out loudly. Half looking back over her shoulder, Ashlyn asked, “What was that?”

  
Ali shook her head and smiled shrugging her shoulders.

A serious smirk forcing an appearance of the dimple on her cheek, Ashlyn turned back and continued to the table. Once again, Ashlyn had gained the upper hand.

  
When the maître de attempted to pull out the chair at the table for Ali, Ashlyn leaned in and nodded that she had it covered. Ali smiled and whispered, “Thank you.”

Sitting across from the brunette, Ashlyn took in the sleeveless black top with the plunging neckline that perfectly hugged her shoulders so delicately. She watched Ali place the linen napkin in her lap and nervously turn the engagement ring on her left hand before stopping and holding her hand out adoringly. Ali glanced up and caught Ashlyn watching her. She bit her bottom lip with embarrassment and looked away blushing.

  
Reaching across the table, Ashlyn waited for Ali to place her hand in hers. When Ali slipped her hand over Ashlyn’s, their eyes met and they both smiled. “Truce?”

  
“Yes, please. Well played, “Ashlyn conceded. “Tie?”

  
“Tie, “Ali agreed.

  
Their hands connected across the table, they both unconsciously had started lightly stroking each other’s palm, not helping the storm they’d created.

When the waiter came to the table and asked if he could take their drink orders, Ashlyn picked up the wine list. “Do you have…...” Letting out a quick breath and pausing, Ashlyn closed her eyes a moment and then looked across the table at Ali. Pursing her lips, she tilted her head a bit and tried to continue…” Let’s see.”

  
Ali smiled and bit her bottom lip to keep from laughing. Quickly breaking the pleading glare her fiancé was screaming with her eyes, Ali brought her hand to her mouth to cover her smile. The blond had been caught off guard and the unsubtle stalling tactic was amusing to watch.

  
Ashlyn returned her eyes to reading what appeared to be small symbols on the menu over and over unable to figure out their meaning as if a foreign language. As Ali’s toes slid further along her inner thigh, Ashlyn shook her head to herself and stifled a smile while attempting to compose herself. When she began stroking her with her big toe under the table, secretly, silently, slowly back and forth, Ashlyn handed the menu back. “A bottle of your house Cabernet.”

  
“Very good, miss.”

  
When they were alone, Ashlyn looked back across the table, trying hard to not smile. “You know you’re going to pay very dearly for that?” Still hiding her smile behind her hand, Ali’s face was colored with delight.

When Ashlyn suddenly reached under the table and tried to grab her foot, Ali pulled it back quickly and stifled a giggle. “I can’t imagine what you’re talking about,” Ali lifted her water glass and took a small sip. Her mouth suddenly dry, Ashlyn licked her lips and swallowed hard.

Then Ali leaned a little closer and whispered, “Maybe the next time I put your hand into my pants, you'll remember exactly just who’s wearing the pants.” When Ali had pulled her foot away, Ashlyn began stroking herself slowly under the table. When she made stern mention of having put her hand down her pants, it made her throbbing turn into an ache that was unbearable. Ashlyn’s face had flushed, and she nodded, “Yes, ma’am.” That might have been the sexiest concession she’d ever granted anyone. When the waiter returned to open their bottle tableside, the couple was still lost in each other’s longing eyes. Ali had won. There was no denying she’d outplayed her. And not only outsmarted her, but she had managed to completely throw her into overdrive. The way she took charge and scolded the blond was going to turn her on every time she thought about who really wore the pants in the relationship. In that respect, it certainly wouldn’t be her. As far as Ashlyn was concerned, Ali could win every night.

Halfway through their meal, Ashlyn looked over at Ali and furrowed her brow a bit. “Are you alright?”

Ali looked up and raised her eyebrows slightly in question. Nodding, she continued pushing her food around her plate with her fork. Ashlyn could see a slight glimmer of sweat that dampened the baby hairs around her face. She watched her cut a piece of carrot into smaller and smaller pieces until it had all but become a mashed pile on the plate.

  
Taking her eyes off Ali for a moment to take a bite of bread and butter, she stopped mid chew when she thought she saw Ali heave a little like she might be sick. When Ali tried to slyly look up from under her thickly coated eyelashes, she realized Ashlyn had caught her. “Just a little heartburn…” she trailed off trying to stop further interrogation.

  
“Do you want to go,” Ashlyn asked as she leaned across the table.

  
No, I’m fine.”

  
Holding her stare a moment longer, Ashlyn set back in the chair and nodded at the waiter and mouthed the word ‘check’ so they could leave.

  
Pulling out her phone, Ashlyn tapped in their location and then the address of their hotel for the Uber. When the waiter placed the billfold with the check on the table, Ashlyn was already placing money inside it quickly to expedite their departure, “Thank you, this shoulder cover it. Please keep the change.”

Standing and pushing her chair back in against the table, Ali shook her head a little and said, “Ash, I’m fine.”

  
“I’m glad you’re fine. Are you ready?”

  
Pursing her lips to keep her smile toned down, she knew that it was no use trying to stop the concerned woman at this point.

  
When Ali had turned on the shower, she stepped in and pulled the curtain across behind her. She let the cool water run over her head and down her back. Closing her eyes, she took in a deep breath and leaned against the wall.

  
Slowly opening the door, Ashlyn called, “You alright in there?”

  
“I’m ok, “she lied.

  
“Do you need some help…. maybe with your back?”

  
Smiling to herself, Ali answered, “No, thank you.”

  
“Maybe with your front?”

  
Pulling the curtain back slightly, Ali peered out and gave her an unamused glance. “Babe.” Was all she said. That one word was able to convey the multitude of emotions she was feeling and didn’t need to say anything more. Ashlyn backed out of the bathroom closing the door behind her. Changing into some sweatpants and a comfortable tee, she sat back on the bed and started flipping the tv channels with the remote.

When the bathroom door opened, Ali slowly walked out drying the ends of her hair with a towel making sure not to make eye contact. Ashlyn watched her sit on the edge of the bed with her back facing her and continued drying her hair with the towel in a flurry of movements. The long red night shirt had dark dotted areas of fabric that were damp from her hair. Her shoulders sagging a little and dropping the towel into her lap, Ali sat silently. Then she started with, “It’s not you.”

  
Stifling a smirk, Ashlyn mumbled, “Oh, I know it's not me.”

  
When Ali whipped around on the bed, Ashlyn sat up a little and raised her hands defensively, “I mean I can see something is bothering you but unless you let me in there’s nothing I can do. That’s all.” Praying to God, she hoped was able to pull down the corners of her mouth just enough to keep her smirk in check before catapulting herself headfirst into trouble. Ali kept her gaze intently fixed on Ashlyn and never blinked. The longer the seconds ticked by, the more she knew she was totally screwed. Finally, the one side of her mouth curled up into a strained impression of the smile she was so desperately trying to contain. Her dimpled cheek grew a shade of pink and Ashlyn finally looked away and wholly smiled.

  
“I’m sorry I ruined our romantic evening.”

  
“How did you ruin it? I’m having fun.”

  
Quickly lying back across the bed for a better reach, Ali punched Ashlyn on the arm. Grabbing both of her wrists, Ashlyn threw a leg across Ali’s waist and kept her pinned down. Feigning attempts to struggle, Ali let out a laugh and tried to push the blonde over. Letting herself fall beside her on the bed, Ashlyn released her hold on Ali. Lying beside each other quietly and catching their breath, Ali confessed, “I think I had a panic attack.”

  
Brushing back tassels of damp hair, Ashlyn caressed the face of the woman she loved so much. “Everything we talked about this morning really hit me all of the sudden, you know?” Not breaking their gaze, Ashlyn didn’t interrupt. “I’ve got this nervous feeling.”

  
When Ali stopped, she reached her arms around Ashlyn’s neck and buried her face into her shoulder. The familiar scent calming her almost instantly. Pulling her closer, Ashlyn ran her hand slowly over Ali’s back soothingly.

  
Enjoying the comfort but wanting some feedback Ali pulled back and searched Ashlyn for a sign of understanding.

When Ashlyn smiled slightly, Ali reached up and took her face into her hand, “I won’t snap at you. I promise.”

  
Backing up a few inches, Ashlyn asked,” Are you rethinking your decisions?”

  
Quickly shaking her head, Ali answered immediately,” No, it’s not that. I want to have children with you.” The words she’d spoken hanging in the air made her smile. “I want everything we talked about.” Resting her head on the pillow, she continued,” I thought about making the phone calls to the coaches and telling them I’m going to retire next week and….” Her voice trailed off.

  
Taking in a breath, wishing it would help alleviate some of the stress she could see in her beloved’s eyes as she struggled, Ashlyn offered,” You don’t NEED to retire. Sydney was still on the field into her sixth month.” Nodding that she’d heard her, Ali was silently still deep in thought.

  
Finally blinking a few times to focus, Ali looked over at Ash who was smiling back. “What’s that goofy grin about?”

  
Leaning slightly over Ali, she rolled her onto her back. Placing her hand over her stomach lightly, palm down, she glanced down at her gesture. Softly caressing, she met Ali’s warm brown eyes watching her. “Motherhood is going to look so good on you.” When Ali managed a smile, Ashlyn looked back down between them, “It’s been this dirty little secret on my mind for a long time now. I want children with you, and I’ll wait until that’s what you really want too.” When Ali opened her mouth to protest, Ashlyn stopped her with a kiss. “When you can see it,” she paused intentionally, “and it’s so real that it’s a part of you that you never even knew you always had, then we’ll start the process.”

Placing her hand lightly over Ashlyn’s, Ali took in an uneasy breath and was barely able to whisper, “I’m sorry.” Withdrawing her hand from under Ali’s, Ashlyn pulled the nightshirt down a little further over the brunette’s knees. Then placing it on her hip, she ran it back over her firm ass. She could smell the fresh scent the shampoo had left behind. The clean of the soap and the subtle hint of some fragrance mixed with Ali’s own special chemistry was intoxicating. Feeling nothing separating her from Ali’s skin except the thin fabric of the night shirt, Ashlyn ran her hand down Ali’s muscular thigh and then slowly back up sliding her hand underneath the red lacey edge of the garment. Catching her breath in her chest, Ali closed her eyes and silently sighed to herself. Ashlyn’s supportive words made it clear that she would wait for as long as Ali needed to decide. The feeling of heaviness and guilt in Ali’s chest also made it obvious that her indecisiveness was breaking Ashlyn’s heart. The thought of disappointing the love of her life made her sick to her stomach.

After they’d made love this morning, Ali had professed her desire to start a family sooner than later and was bent on making the announcement at the end of the season. The conversation had been lingering on that time frame for months now with Ali never committing. Her insides still moving in waves from the intense passion filled gift that Ashlyn had provided, Ali could barely catch her breath, “Let’s have a child. Let’s do it.” The proclamation had triggered another round of love making that kept them in bed until housekeeping ignored the ‘do not disturb’ sign that still hung on the outside doorknob.

  
Raking her fingernails over the edge of the tightly cropped hair, Ali bit her bottom lip. The feeling sent tingles through her stomach and spread out like a warm electrical current that traveled through the length of her body. Ashlyn slid a finger halfway down through Ali’s already slick folds. Stopping to hover lightly over her throbbing pulse point, she opened her legs a few inches. When their eyes met, Ali could see the hurt. She was avoiding the difficult discussion that would no doubt end with her still not knowing where their future was going and more uncertainty regarding her wishy-washy promises. Ashlyn always resorted to using sex. It allowed for a pause in whatever the emotional drain was. Ashlyn could bury her raw exposed feelings and Ali could continue to remain noncommittal with the welcome distraction.

  
Putting a little pressure on her swollen clit, Ali took in a sharp breath when Ashlyn pressed lightly. Feeling the guilt weigh heavy on her chest, Ali reached down and gently took a hold of Ashlyn’s wrist to still her movements. Raising her eyebrows questioningly, the blonde whispered, “Doesn’t that make you feel good?”

The shame and embarrassment of her actions deepened her cheeks that now blushed crimson. Nodding, Ali bit her bottom lip and laid her head back on the pillow. She let go of Ashlyn’s hand and placed it on the back of her head and curled her fingers around the unruly blonde locks. Ashlyn loved feeling that connection while she pleasured the woman she loved.

  
Ali lost count of how many times Ashlyn overwhelmed her body and took her over the edge that night. What she did know is that with every touch, she knew Ashlyn was burying her feelings deeper and deeper.

As the week passed, each day was filled with plenty of time spent together but not revisiting her broken promise. Even cooking a light dinner brought the couple together to tease each other and steal kisses between tasks. Ali placed the casserole dish into the oven and closed the door carefully. Before she could turn around, Ashlyn had trapped her against the counter with her body. Ali giggled and turned around to face her. Lifting her up onto the counter to sit, Ashlyn ran her hands up her thighs as Ali wrapped her legs around Ashlyn’s body. Her hands tangled up in the tee shirt, she pulled Ashlyn closer.

Their lips brushed lightly, and Ali ran her tongue across Ashlyn’s bottom lip. She felt the flesh on the blonde’s arms dimple with goosebumps. Ali nuzzled under her lovers’ neck and rested her head there. The feeling of security she felt in the warmth of the blonde's embrace relaxed her immediately.

  
As Ashlyn lightly ran her hands up Ali’s back, she felt something cool running down her chest between her breasts. Pulling back a few inches, Ali still slumped against her heavily. She then realized that Ali was drooling. Cradling her head and leaning her back a bit, Ashlyn whispered, “Alex?’ Shaking her lightly, she called again, “Al?”

  
Dipping a hand into the sink, Ashlyn ran her wet hand over her face and down her neck. When her eyes fluttered, Ashlyn called her name again while getting a fresh splash of water and ran her hand across her forehead. Lifting her head slightly, Ali seemed dazed. Shaking out the cobwebs, she met Ashlyn’s eyes and felt herself blush. Putting her hand to her head, she tried to sit up further on the counter. “Wow. Do you see what you do to me,” which was more of a statement than a question. When she tried to step down from the counter, Ashlyn put a hand on her chest and lightly pressed, “Hold on there. What just happened? Did you pass out?” Laughing at herself, Ali looked away embarrassed. “Well when all the blood rushes from your head that’s what you get.” Wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, she went on, “Maybe I’m pregnant.”

  
As she jumped down off the counter and looked back up at Ashlyn, she immediately took her face gently into her hands and apologized, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring up either of those scenarios.”

It was rude to not only suggest that she'd been with a man and gotten pregnant but that she'd have cheated to do it. It also emphasized her lack of commitment and made light of Ash's feelings. "It was a dumb joke." She held their gaze searching her for some acknowledgement until her eyes suddenly watered and she abruptly pushed Ashlyn aside and vomited into the sink. They hadn’t eaten yet, so most of what came up were pieces of carrot she had nibbled on while she chopped the vegetables and water from the bottle she’d been drinking. After that, it was mostly dry heaving that forced her to shudder as she leaned over the sink. Ashlyn placed a cool towel on the back of her neck and rubbed up and down her back soothingly.

  
Once she felt a little better, she splashed some water on her face, “I think maybe I overdid it today at practice. I’m really dehydrated.”

  
“Al.”

  
“I’m just pushing too hard because I know the last game is days away.”

  
….” Al.”

  
Pulling the towel off her neck and wiping her mouth, she turned and met Ashlyn’s comforting eyes that were filled with concern, “Babe, please.”


	2. What Have I Done To Deserve This

Chapter 2  
What Have I Done To Deserve This

The locker room was both buzzing and yet eerily hushed as there were pregame rituals, superstitions and careful preparations being addressed. The crowd outside was already cheering and being warmed up for action. Ashlyn handed Ali a Gatorade and sat on the bench beside her while she talked to one of the trainers about cramping muscles. When they were finally alone, Ashlyn asked, “What’s cramping?”

  
“Nothing, I was telling him I was afraid of getting dehydrated in the heat and pulling a muscle.” Holding her eyes for another moment, Ashlyn wasn’t convinced.

  
“Do you feel tight?”

  
Shaking her head, Ali rolled both her shoulders forward and back while saying, “Nerves.”

  
Standing and taking the drink from her fiancé’s hold, she twisted the cap off before handing it back to her. Then she massaged her neck and shoulders lightly while she asked, “How does that feel?”  
Placing a hand over one of Ashlyn’s, Ali squeezed it and looked up over her shoulder. She tilted her head a little and flashed a crooked smile that sat uneasy with Ashlyn. Putting the back of her hand to Ali’s cheek, she smiled back, covertly checking if she could feel her temperature. Ali denied any more heartburn, nausea or dizziness. Ashlyn had paid close attention and she’d kept down all food and drinks over the last couple days. Taking a hold of Ashlyn’s hand that was pressed against her cheek, she rose to her feet and stepped in close. Resting their foreheads against one another. Sweetly kissing the woman she was sure she wanted to raise babies with, Ali reassured, “I’m fine.”

  
By the 83rd minute, the pace of the game had spiraled out of control. Tempers had flared over an accidental trip that pulled one of the opposing defenders out of the game with a sprained ankle. Everyone was shadowing a little too close and the pushing and shoving was threatening to end in more than one red card if it didn’t stop. Ashlyn couldn’t help but notice how aggressive Ali’s game had been. She flew down the field on more than one breakaway as if she had wings on her heels. Unfortunately, the payoff never came when she had to pass off to someone else when no one could keep up with her.

  
Ashlyn watched the players trading off back and forth at midfield until a single mis step found a breakaway heading her way. Scanning the whole field at the same time, she was able to see where the play was going to be. Waiting for what seemed like the obvious connection, the pass came on the right side and Ashlyn launched herself across the far side of the posts. Her fingers tipping the ball, it was pushed back enough that it skimmed the outside and sailed up over the crossbar. Landing hard, the air forced from her lungs, Ashlyn pushed up on her hands and knees. Taking a deep breath, she smiled when she realized she’d blocked what would have surely been a goal. The crowd cheered and Ashlyn gave a quick wave before getting back into position. “Come on, you guys,” she screamed. “Get back there.”

  
Ali lingered for a moment to catch Ashlyn’s eye. When she finally noticed her, they both smiled quickly, and Ali turned to reset. When Ali saw an opening forming, she slid over to make herself available for the pass. Her talented teammate had already seen the pattern forming and was sending the ball her way.

  
Feeling the competition on her hip, Ali back heeled the ball. She then spun around to resume taking the ball and kicked it squarely before the goalkeeper realized what she’d done. The Utah keeper cursed herself as the ball sailed over her head and into the back of the net. Ali threw her fist up into the air and jumped into the pile of her teammates that all screamed at the goal in the final minutes of the game. Ashlyn raised both her arms over her head as she watched the goal and screamed along as Ali found her distant celebration down field and smiled.

  
Ashlyn turned her back to squirt some water in her mouth and then spit it out. Just hold on to this last wave.

  
As the players spread back out and the ball began traveling again, Ali followed at a trot for a couple steps. She wiped the sweat from her eyes as it stung and clouded her vision. Leaning over to catch her breath, she leaned her hands down on her knees. Wiping her eyes again, she felt a hot sour taste rising in the back of her throat. Still doubled over, she heard Kelley run by asking ‘you ok’ as her footsteps kept moving further away. Waving her hand, Ali nodded.

Taking a step and standing, Ali then felt herself pitch forward onto the ground. She felt a slight chill on her body as she wiped away the sweat soaking her back and neck. Suddenly irritated with the sound in her ear, she realized it was her own labored breathing. She found herself gasping for air and holding herself up on her hands and knees. Falling on her side, she closed her eyes and pulled at the collar of her jersey. She felt as if her chest was being crushed. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t take in enough air to feel satisfied. Rolling onto her back, she heard herself gasping in high pitched wheezes.

When Ashlyn had brushed her hair back and wiped away the sweat, she pulled at her sleeves and readied herself for the wave of dancing players passing the ball across the field. In the background of all this, Ashlyn saw Ali was bent over. Shaking her head, she smiled at the grandstanding celebration that she was most definitely holding irreverent. Following back to track the ball, she took a few steps further to the side of the field the action was coming. As the ball was trapped in the corner by three players looking for a way to make a play, Ashlyn heard someone yelling. There must be only moments left and this was the last shot. Moving closer to the corner where everyone was focused, Ashlyn saw one of the referee’s turn from the play and sprint in the opposite direction. Just then she heard a whistle blow.

  
With everyone’s back turned, it took some time for anyone to realize what had happened. There were more than half the players gathered at midfield. Someone was down. Scanning the field, Ashlyn started walking out of the box. Several of the opposing team had gathered standing a few feet away from the group. The majority of Ashlyn’s team was gathered closer. It was one of her own. But what had happened? The goal, the celebration…the ball was on the way back.

  
Racing across the field, she stepped around a few people and instantly dropped to her knees. The trainers had already called the EMT’s to the field. Kelley was kneeling beside the paramedic with tears streaking her face holding Ali’s hand. Ashlyn could see Ali’s lips tinged a blueish color. An oxygen mask had been placed over her mouth to ease her struggle. The EMT’s placed the backboard and stretcher on the ground as one of the trainers was using scissors to cut the front of Ali’s jersey from the bottom up exposing her skin. His partner was already placing round stickers to her chest while they were being attached to a line leading to a small machine.

Ashlyn was numb. Pulling off her gloves, she held Ali’s head lightly with her hands and tried not to cry. She leaned closer and whispered,” Ali,...Ali what’s wrong?”

In one motion, they quickly rolled Ali onto the backboard.

“Ali…,” Ashlyn tried again. The distant stare was scaring her. She lay very still now, no longer gasping for air. Ashlyn let her eyes travel down to Ali’s exposed stomach. Having watched her breathe a thousand times before, she noticed the time it took between the subtle rise and fall of her chiseled abdomen.

  
When a needle pierced her skin, she began taking short quick breaths. Sheer panic had her clutching at her chest with one hand.

“Somebody needs to hold her hands, I’m trying to get a reading here.” Kelley reached for Ali’s other hand and felt an immediate change in her resistance. The EMT closest to her side announced, “OK, IV is in.” Two soft flat pads were placed over Ali’s chest. One below her left breast and the other above her right. As a trainer was pulling the shirt completely away from the equipment, Kelley started screaming, “Al!” Ashlyn felt Ali’s head relax and her shoulders dropped.

  
Quickly they switched to an ambu bag. It was squeezed in pace with how she should have been breathing in an attempt to oxygenate her body. Ali’s chest rose and fell along with the rhythm they set.  
Kelley had felt it. The moment Ali had stopped breathing, she could feel the change. The AED machine was cycling through as it analyzed, and a shock was advised. The reading dispensed from the portable EKG as the EMT pushed some of the people back. “Cardiac arrest….” Pulling Kelley back, one of her teammates sat holding her away from the sight in front of them. When she realized what was about to happen, she crawled around the medical team and took Ashlyn’s hands into hers, holding them close, Kelley pulled Ashlyn’s face to her, “Look at me, Ash, hey, ….”

The two girls made eye contact with one another and never broke it as they heard someone warn, “Clear.” When the shock delivered, they could hear the movement Ali’s body made as it jumped slightly and her back arched. Closing her eyes to push away the picture in her head, Ashlyn’s head fell forward. “Her heart stopped…” she mumbled under her breath. “She’s not breathing.” Looking back up to meet Kelley’s soft eyes, she nodded and gripped her friend’s hands tighter. Ashlyn’s focus seemed to cloud over and she began to waver wanting to see Ali. Kelley never blinked as she stayed focused on her frightened friend pulling her attention back to her. “Look right here at me,” she soothed.

When they heard another shock deliver, Ashlyn flinched a little and then closed her eyes again. Tears fell from the corners of her eyes and she took in an uneasy breath. She could hear them doing compressions now. The sound of the medical staff beside her on the field fell away and was almost like a distant noise coming from a tunnel that echoed somewhere far away. A constant buzzing seemed to fill the spaces between the chaos.

  
In a surprising declaration, Ashlyn heard a soft sigh. Immediately chest compressions were stopped. Then without warning, everyone around them was silent. The quiet across the field was unsettling. Terrified to move, Ashlyn suddenly heard the sweetest sound as Ali called out, “Babe?”

  
Her voice was weak and shallow. The subtle color that returned to her cheeks highlighted how pale her face was. Blinking slowly, stray tears streaked her face. She looked up slowly and tried to reach for Ashlyn. “We got her, … let’s move!” With barely seconds passing, they had lifted the stretcher and rushed across the field with a pace beyond urgency. Pulling Ashlyn to her feet, they followed and met the waiting ambulance that had stopped at the edge of the field. Everything else around them moved in a flash of colors that were blurred. Ali was lifted into the emergency vehicle and they placed the oxygen mask back on.

Grabbing the handle on the back of the truck, Ashlyn began to pull herself up. Grabbing her arm, an EMT stopped her. “Darlin, you can’t ride back there. We’ll take care of your friend and you can meet us in the ER.” His tone was slightly condescending. Stepping down from the rig in disbelief, Ashlyn raised her eyebrows both questioningly and surprised at the man’s attempt to stop her, as if he could.

Huffing out a laugh, she looked at Alex who had reached her side in time to hear the exchange. Kelley and Alex simultaneously shared a glance before immediately both grabbing an arm and began pulling Ashlyn back at the same time she had lurched forward at the man. Falling back a step, he pulled his cap off his head and held his hands up defensively, “Hey, now! Calm down.”

  
Alex, with her hands firmly planted on her chest blocking her path, Kelley was full on pushing Ashlyn backwards as Alex quickly stepped around them and warned, “Dude, just turn around and go, alright?” Looking from Alex to Kelly who was losing her battle with holding Ashlyn back, he turned.

  
Alex quickly went back to helping Kelley with Ashlyn. Once they’d created a good distance between the ambulance, they heard the doors slam closed and the wheels began to crunch on the gravel as it pulled away. The siren sounded and immediately began to fade as it started down the road.

  
Not wanting to hurt her friends, Ashlyn let them hold her arms. Kelley pulled on her collar and asked, “Do you want to come with me? We’ll meet her there, ok? Look at me…” Finally breaking her gaze on the fading lights of the disappearing ambulance, she met her friend’s comforting eyes. When her words wouldn’t form, Kelley looked to Alex and nodded, “Grab her bag and keys.”

  
Kelley held Ashlyn’s hand in the backseat of her SUV and kept trying to talk her down. Alex was at the wheel driving as fast as she felt she could and still safely maneuver traffic. “You heard her. She asked for you. She was talking.”

  
Staring forward at the oncoming traffic, Ashlyn seemed to be struggling to breath. Kelley kept trying to break Ashlyn’s gaze and make her look at her. “Ash,….” Cupping her face gently, she still pleaded, “Listen to me. “

  
It really was no use trying to talk to her. She wasn’t listening. Kelley resolved herself to just trying to keep Ashlyn from doing something stupid, like clubbing the next person who got in her way of trying to see Ali.

  
The car had barely slowed to a stop and Ashlyn had already jumped from the car and was running into the entrance of the emergency room. Slamming her foot on the brakes when she realized Ashlyn had opened the car door, Alex lurched forward from the impact and felt the car seat jolt as Kelley fell into the back of it. Turning in her seat, she apologized, “Are you ok? Did she jump out?”  
Scrambling up from the car floor, Kelley threw her hands up, “I don’t know. Park the car. I’m following her.” Stumbling out the passenger side door, she took off across the parking lot.

  
Ashlyn had just been met by a man who was most likely a doctor and was leading her down the hall. Opening the door to a small private room, he asked, “If you could wait here, I’ll get her doctor as soon as he has an update.” Stepping inside beside her, Kelley suddenly had a bad feeling. She didn’t like the private room or the look that man had given them.

  
Ashlyn paced the edges of the room and chewed on her bottom lip nervously. Every few steps, she’d stop and shake her head like she was clearing cobwebs. Then she gestured with her hands as if she were having a conversation with someone in her head that only she could hear. When the door slowly opened, Ashlyn’s face went pale and clenched her jaw until she saw Alex standing in the doorway. Returning to her patterned walk about on the perimeter of the room, she didn’t notice Alex’s red eyes or see the gesture when she silently nodded for Kelley to follow her.

  
Outside the door once it closed securely, Kelley searched Alex’s strained face and just started to shake her head in disbelief, “No….” Holding her hands up defensively, she huffed out a breath, “No.”  
Stepping around Alex who was holding back tears, Kelley noticed the man who had brought them to the private room talking with two others who were obviously physicians and a woman who was in street clothes. When they noticed Kelley watching them, the woman gave a sympathetic smile and started to walk down the hallway to meet her. “My name is Grace. I’m one of the counselors here at the hospital. What’s your name?”

  
Her eyes fixed on the doctor who was slowly heading their way, Kelley waited for him to look up so she could see his eyes. He never wavered. Meeting Grace’s kind pools of blue, she started to feel streams of tears fall from the corners of her eyes.

  
Putting a hand on her shoulder, Grace coaxed, “Come on. Not out here. Let’s go inside and talk.”

  
Standing with her head against the wall beside the door to the private room, Alex shrugged off the woman when she put a hand on her back inviting her to come inside. As Kelley reached her side, Alex closed her eyes. She let out an uneasy breath that was thick with painful disbelief. Then focusing on the floor, she rested both her hands flat against the wall and rested her forehead against it for more support. “I can’t, “ she whispered. Nodding, she rested her hand lightly on Alex's back. Kelley then followed behind the doctor and grief counselor where Ashlyn had stopped pacing. After a long silence, Ashlyn finally asked, “So what happened?”

  
Grace stepped forward and extended her hand to a chair, “Why don’t we sit down?”

  
Suddenly aware of the tone of the room and the people in it, Ashlyn seemed to jolt herself back to a reality of consciousness and glanced around, “What are we doing? Can I get some answers here?”  
Her voice had raised slightly and the color in her face had flushed her cheeks a bright crimson.

“Miss Harris, I’m Dr. Burns. I took care of your…”

  
“Mrs. Krieger-Harris, “Ashlyn scolded, “And she’s my wife.”

  
His face softened as he continued, “Your wife had a massive heart attack. We did everything we could to help her but there was too much damage.” As Ashlyn stared, her mouth agape, the doctor continued, “I’m very sorry but your wife has died.”

  
Huffing out a nervous laugh, Ashlyn waved him off with her hand and looked to Kelley. The silence was deafening. When no one moved or spoke, she laughed again and shook her head. “You’re being ridiculous. Can you please take me to her? She’s probably scared to death.”

  
Kelley sat on the edge of a cushioned chair behind her and put her head in her hands. Grace took a few steps closer and placed a hand on Ashlyn’s shoulder gently, “Do you understand what the doctor has told you? She’s gone. She didn’t survive.”

  
Furrowing her brow, Ashlyn cocked her head a little with a slight tilt. Her face was contorted into a crease of confusion mixed with disbelief. Taking in an uneasy breath that caught in her chest, her eyes seemed to become unfocused. Her hand on her head, she looked up and mumbled to herself, “Heart attack….” Shaking her head from side to side now, she felt dizzy, her face frowned into a painful pout as the words started to sink in. Looking back up at the doctor, Ashlyn repeated, “She didn’t survive….” Tears filling her eyes, she searched for words to form. Pleading with her anguished hazels, she waited for the doctor to say something more. Anything other than what'd he'd told her. “I’m very sorry.”

  
Kelley peered up at Ash who begged her attention silently. Going to her friend and sitting beside her, she took both of her hands into her own and held them against her chest. There were no words. Her lips pursed together, Ashlyn closed her eyes and let out a sob that she stifled before she began to cry. Her shoulders fell and she leaned forward on Kelley and then slid to the floor with her back against the furniture. Pulling her knees up to her chest, her grief became louder. Kneeling beside her, Kelley rubbed up and down her back for comfort before throwing her arms around her tightly.

Ashlyn’s body seemed to go limp against her friend and she became completely inconsolable. And Ashlyn cried. She cried as the words 'she didn't survive' washed over her and sunk into her in slowly. She cried thinking about the warning signs she'd missed all week. She cried as she replayed the events on the field in her head. Finally, she cried as she realized she'd heard the last spoken word that would ever come from the lips of the love of her life who was gone.

Ashlyn’s head in Kelley’s lap, she ran her fingers back through her friend’s hair as she cried. Her hands would cover her face to muffle her anguish then drop them to hug at Kelley’s legs. Her body lay on the floor, shivering with grief that came waves as her brain would loop the words ‘she didn’t survive’.

  
Every time Kelley thought that Ash was settling down, another outburst would wash over her and she would softly whimper Ali’s name between sobs.

  
Cutting through the muffled cries, Grace cleared her throat. “Excuse me? Would you like me to take you to see her?”

  
Ashlyn quickly opened her eyes but didn’t respond.

  
“I can take you both to the room where she is now that they’ve cleaned up.”

  
Slowly sitting up, Ash met Kelley’s waiting stare. “I’ll go with you,” she comforted.

  
Wiping her nose with the back of her hand, Ashlyn sniffled and shook her head. “No.”

  
Raising her eyebrows questioningly, Grace asked, “You don’t want to see her?”

  
“No.”

  
Ashlyn pushed herself up onto her hands and knees and then stood shakily. Wiping her eyes that still leaked tears, she looked to Kelley. “Do you have my keys?”


	3. Ravine

Three months. Three gone. Three already. Only three.

September.

October.

November.

The shadows on the bedroom wall were long and purple. Ashlyn stared at the digital clock on the bedside table and blinked heavily. 5:15 am  
Reaching for the bottle that sat on the edge beside the lamp, she swiped at it causing it to tip forward before falling backwards onto its side and splashing Ashlyn’s face with whiskey. Running a hand over her head, she shook off the excess. Tilting the bottle, she took a long swallow. Wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, she squinted in the dim light to see how much remained. Raising it to her mouth again, she stopped a moment when she thought she heard…. her voice. Shaking her head slightly, she swallowed the rest of the bottle quickly. Letting it fall from her grip, she heard it roll onto the carpeted floor before falling back onto the bed and letting out a long breath.

  
The room had changed from deep blue shadows that cast along the recess of the furniture to pink splashes rising along the curtains. Orange light crept across the sill of the windowpane before the room was illuminated with the golden morning glow. Ripping at the sheet to pull over her head to smother the light, she watched it fall lightly to the mattress covering her face. Before it closed off her view, she saw the digital clock on the bedside table. 6:33 am

The loud pounding on the front door had been going on for so much longer than Ashlyn would have ever tolerated. At this point, whomever it was, wasn’t going away. When it was quiet for a few minutes, Ashlyn had let herself believe they were gone.

  
When a sharp crack jarred the framework of the front door, it scared Ashlyn enough that she jumped out of bed sideways. Unable to bear her own weight, she pitched forward onto the carpet. Wincing in pain, she pulled her left knee to her chest and cursed under her breath. She’d forgotten that when she woke up yesterday that her leg was twisted underneath her in such a way that she questioned how bad the damage really was. It was warm, swollen and discolored a deep shade of purple. She was basically beating herself up every night in a drunken stupor and somehow she could never remember what had happened. Regardless, at some point every day, she opened her eyes again.

  
Pushing herself back against the door to lean, she realized the banging had stopped. Listening, she realized someone was standing on the other side listening too. Whoever they were had heard her fall.

  
“Ashlyn is that you?” a familiar voice called.

  
Dropping her head, Ashlyn sighed. She really didn’t want to have to deal with her brother. “Go away.”

  
“Ash, open the fucking door.”

  
Dropping her head back on the wall, she felt a hot sour rising in the back of her throat.

  
“Ashlyn, if you don’t open the door in one minute, I’m going to break it down.”

  
There wasn’t a snowballs chance in hell that he was going to leave but she still gave it a shot.

  
“Fuck off.”

  
“Ten seconds, Ash…”

  
Snapping off the lock and reaching up, she turned the doorknob to open it. Pushing it open, Chris took a couple steps into the room and knelt beside his baby sister. Her head dropped forward and her blond hair was matted in an unruly mess around her face and past her shoulders. Lifting her head a few inches to look at him, he shook his head at her appearance. Under her eyes were purple shiners, either from lack of sleep or possibly bruised. Her bottom lip had split and reopened probably a few times from dehydration. Her lips were dry, cracked and pale. The white sleeveless sweatshirt had dried blood down the front of it along with several other unidentifiable stains that Chris wasn’t sure he wanted to know the origins of. Ashlyn's right shoulder was so bruised and swollen that he reached out to touch it before his sister pulled away from him and mumbled, “I’m fine.”

  
“Yeah, I can see that.” The grey lived in sweatpants needed to be burned. That was going on the top of the list. The tops of her feet had abrasions across them as if she’d been dragging them on the cement. “What have you done to yourself, kiddo?” Although it wasn’t a question, it was acknowledging that she was a mess. Her completely disheveled appearance was unsettling. He couldn’t believe how quickly she’d fallen apart.

“Ash, come here.” He tried to lean in to help her up but quickly backed away. Mostly he stopped because she had pushed at him but also because the smell hit him harder.

“Are you drunk? It’s 8 o’clock in the morning.”

  
Peering out from under her hair, Ashlyn stared coldly.

  
“Alright, I’m done with this. Play time is over. Get your ass up and into the shower before I pick you up and throw you in there myself.” He stood and put his hands on his hips waiting for her. Tapping her foot with his shoe, he prodded, “Come on. I’m not kidding around.”

  
Grimacing in pain, she reached for her knee with her hand and looked up at him with utter disdain. Realizing she was hurt; he felt a pang of guilt for aggravating it the way he did. Although, he couldn’t back down with her or he wasn’t going to get anywhere.

  
Shaking his head as he added the wounds and bruises he could see in his head, he asked, “What in the world have you been doing to yourself?”

As soon as Ashlyn heard his question, she quickly looked up at him and glared. Her silent confession with her eyes set them both rigid at attention to see who would move first. Keeping her in his sight, he watched the subtle adjustment she made with her body and he knew she was going to try to run. Turning first, he sprang across the room before Ashlyn had the opportunity to lunge at him. Slamming her bedroom door closed, he heard her scrambling to get up.

  
Pulling the drawer to the bedside table out, he quickly pushed through its contents quickly. When he didn’t see what he was looking for, he turned for the bathroom and stumbled over empty whiskey bottles. As the bedroom door opened, Ashlyn tried to grasp at him and fell to the floor just as he cleared the bathroom threshold and slammed the door closed. Snapping the lock, he leaned back against it bracing for impact. Listening through the door, he heard her on the floor struggling. She hadn’t even bothered to get up again. It was hurting his heart knowing how much pain she was in. Relaxing his posture, he turned and scanned the bathroom. Dirty towels and clothes were draped over everything. It looked like an abandoned home that had been vandalized. Not seeing anything in plain sight, he opened the medicine cabinet door. Sitting on the top shelf was a plastic zip lock bag filled with an assortment of pills, capsules and tablets. No doubt all of them were a combination of sleeping pills, antianxiety or muscle relaxers. She had enough to kill herself 10 times over in the bag. There was no way of telling how many she’d already downed with alcohol. Holding the bag out, he guesstimated there were between 100-150 pills in the bag. Depending on the contents, of course, he was sure she’d paid a very pretty penny for them.

  
“Every last one of them is going in the toilet,” he called through the door.

  
Slamming her hand against the wall, Ashlyn whined, “Damn you, Chris.” Reaching up and massaging her sore shoulder, she repeated in a more defeated tone, “Damn you.”

  
Leaning back against the door, she listened to what she was sure was him making good on his threat as he flushed the toilet and everything went down the drain. Her eyes closed; she shook her head at the lack of initiative that had delayed a well thought out plan.

  
When he suddenly opened the door, she fell backwards into the doorway. She lay there motionless just staring at the ceiling. Leaning over and reaching for her, he stopped when he realized it was the bruised-up arm and shoulder. Hearing someone call from the other room, he stood up. “Hello?”

  
“We’re back here.”

  
Taking her time through the house, Crystal reached the pair and stopped halfway across the room. “What the hell is this?” she gestured with her arm outstretched.

  
Running his hand over his face, Chris asked, “You mean this hovel we’re standing in? I think it used to belong to Ash.” Looking down, he pointed, “Or do you mean this? Because this is my baby sister.”

Stepping over her on the floor, Crystal then made eye contact with Chris and shook her head, “Whoa,” she huffed.

  
“Oh, that? “He continued. “Yeah, that smell you’re smelling, that’s also my baby sister.”

  
Ashlyn had settled herself and closed her eyes. Kneeling beside her friend, Crystal put a hand on her cheek lightly and asked, “Why didn’t you talk to me?” Ashlyn’s face was cold. Sniffing back some tears, Crystal soothed her hand over her forehead and stopped it there. Lying on the carpet beside her in the doorway, Crystal rested her head facing the blond. She took her hand into hers softly and held it. Opening her bloodshot eyes halfway, Ashlyn focused on Crystal lying beside her staring intently. “I know it hurts, honey.” Her eyes now unfocused, Ashlyn just stared blankly past her. “What are you thinking about?” Crystal questioned. “Or is that the whole plan, just to not think?” Crystal had covered her friend with a blanket and pulled it up over her shoulders. Now into December, it was only reaching the mid 60’s. Lying on the floor in inappropriate clothing wasn’t helping. It was cold.

  
Chris sat on the floor beside them with his hands in his lap. After a long silence, he whispered, “She’s trying to kill herself. If we don’t do something, she’ll find a way.”

“Can you blame her?” Combing her hair with her fingers, Crystal took a deep breath. “Did you see her living room?”

Thinking to himself, he cocked his head a little and remembered he hadn’t had the opportunity to sight see earlier. Pushing himself up, he left the bedroom and went out to the main entrance by the front door. Standing in the center of the room, he shook his head as he scanned everything he had missed on the way through the first time. It was like wading through a waist deep sea of emotional landmines. You could almost see the deconstruction of Ashlyn’s sanity over the last couple months. As things broke down, it was easy to see how it could fuck a person up in the head. Every day, the mail had delivered her a fresh hell to deal with.

There were so many boxes and bags of fan mail sending condolences that they were stacking 2 deep along the entire wall of the dining room and ran the length of the room and to the ceiling. You could see she had gone through maybe two of the forty-eight boxes before she’d abandoned it all. There were two medium boxes on the table that were opened. One box contained their personalized wedding invitations they’d chosen together that were conveniently delivered around the time they should have been mailing them out. The companion box beside it contained a beautiful engagement photograph of Ash and Ali that was to go along with the invitations. Most of the pictures were now crumbled and torn in half. Chris picked one up and as he looked at their happy faces, he admitted to himself that it physically hurt him to think about how badly his sister had become unhinged. There were letters from her soccer club attempting to assist her with grief counseling and services she might need. There was a package for filing A Leave of Absence from the team. There were stacks of unpaid bills littering the table. Several of the bills had to do with the wedding and honeymoon that they were planning.

  
Falling back and sitting in a chair at the table, he held a photograph of Ali in his hand that made him hold back tears. As soon as they’d come back from France that summer and had the chance, they went to visit their new godchild. Ali was holding the baby against her and Ash was standing beside her watching with that goofy grin she got when she was around Ali or babies. Considering that it was Ali holding a baby, Ashlyn’s uterus had no doubt skipped a beat staring at the picture.

  
Sadly, it depicted everything that she had lost in one snapshot. Wife, family, children, motherhood….and all the happiness that went with it.


	4. Wake Me Up

(Three Months Earlier)

Lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, her mind raced. Her body was numb but at the same time she hurt like nothing she’d ever experienced before. The pain came from a wound that didn’t exist. The ache that she felt was in the memories that her mind would pull out of some file and play on a screen she couldn’t pause. She found herself lying awake at night thinking about things she hadn’t remembered in years.

  
All night long, she thought about the first long trip the team had taken where their travel schedule was brutal. They’d had a couple games that included some promo interviews before returning for some secluded practice time. Ashlyn had started dating Ali officially during this trip. She thought about walking her back to her room after they’d gotten some coffee one night. She remembered the way Ali was looking at her standing there in the hotel hallway. She always had this smile on her face that made her stomach flip. Ali was so young and bright eyed. Ashlyn remembered noticing that Ali was looking at her mouth as she was speaking. She had babbled on about some non-sense when she reached her arm around Ali’s waist and pulled her closer. Ashlyn’s rambling trailed off and she leaned in and they kissed. It hadn’t been the friendly get to know you kisses they’d been exchanging at the end of their dates that were innocent and rushed because they were nervous and there were always people around. It was a soft slow kiss that made both of them grip the other a little tighter when their knees felt weak. The kisses led to love bites on the tender flesh of each other’s neck.

Eventually, they heard the chime of the elevator and Ashlyn backed away from Ali who she’d had pinned against the wall tightly. Both of them breathless with flushed faces, they said a goodnight that had them lingering on each other’s eyes and slowly retreated to their own separate rooms.

  
Ashlyn smiled at the thought. Ali had months later confessed that she had masturbated in the shower thinking about Ashlyn. Ashlyn rolled onto her side and laughed out loud. She had barely made it to the elevator before she had slid her hand into her jeans and gotten herself off so quickly that she never realized there was a camera in the corner watching her. The next morning when she was walking through the lobby, she noticed the concierge stifling a smile as she passed by. Ali had almost rolled off the bed in a fit of uncontrollable giggling and laughter when Ashlyn had revealed her after story from that night.

  
Ashlyn suddenly became aware of the subtle scent of Ali. Pulling her pillow against her, she hugged it tightly and buried her face into it. She could smell the shampoo, the soap, the lotion she used on her skin to keep it soft. Ashlyn was even able to pick up on a hint of Ali’s intoxicating musk from the last time they’d made love together. Her mind wandered to thoughts of how sexy she was when she got on top of Ashlyn and straddled her body. The way she threw her head back and her chestnut hair would cascade over her shoulders and fall down her back as she would grind in a rhythm that would push them both over the edge.

  
Her smile faded when reality came crashing back to her. Thinking to the frantic phone calls from Ali’s mother last night when she had apparently heard it on the news that her daughter had collapsed on the field. After hanging up with her mom, Ashlyn had selfishly turned her cell phone off knowing that the shit had not even hit the fan yet. She knew she had phone calls to make and arrangements to plan for but she couldn’t bring herself to think about it yet. She seriously kept waiting for it to just be over as if it was a bad dream and she would wake up and it would be some nightmare that was already fading.

  
That never happened.

  
The next morning, Ashlyn turned her phone on and immediately turned it off. The damn thing went on and on having phone-gasms for close to 10 minutes before she just shut it back down. It was too much. She turned on the TV for the distraction of back ground noise and quickly snapped her head up when she heard the morning show guy talking about how reports of Ali’s death were swirling around the world of soccer. Using the remote to turn it off, she bowed her head and squeezed her eyes shut to block out the picture they used of Ali at the ESPY’s in that gorgeous red dress.

Ali was dead. No matter how many times she replayed the scene on the field over in her head, it seemed like an excerpt from some movie she watched that couldn’t be taken as anything other than fiction. Then the anxiety would start. Her chest would feel heavy, she found it hard to breath and then she would start to cry. Ashlyn could deal with crying but it was this ugly uncontrollable crying that made her crazy. Without any warning, she would suddenly burst into tears and start to wail, making sounds that she barely recognized as she would hear her own voice whining Ali’s name.

  
It wasn’t more than a few hours into that first day that Ashlyn had reached out to someone nearby whom she knew could help. As she drove to a predetermined spot, Ashlyn found herself sitting by the ocean watching the waves. The smell of the salt water immediately brought her back to the day she’d proposed. The perfect feeling of warmth, sunshine and contentment had settled over her when she pulled out the ring and asked Ali to spend their lives together. It was right about then that Ash decided her purchase was going to be bigger than she planned that morning. Quickly firing off a text to change the terms of the original request, she waited for a response. It didn’t take long to renegotiate, and a new deal had been made.

  
When Ashlyn pulled back into her driveway, she had company. There were a few familiar cars waiting. She knew she’d only had so long to deny dealing with what was to come. Ashlyn already felt better having popped two pink round pills when she left the beach. It was definitely helping. Her eyelids heavy with fatigue, sadness and chemical assistance, she put the car in park and pushed the Ziplock bag into her jacket pocket. She certainly didn’t feel like crying any more. She did feel like sleeping. But something told her that would not happen for a while now that the cat was out of the bag and apparently the little bastard was running all over the place meowing a tale of terror.

Most of the day, Ashlyn sat or stood almost catatonic as friends and family would hug her, bring food that they’d prepared and told her how to reheat it when she was ready. Her phone had been taken by her friends Syd and Alex. They were micromanaging the details and sharing with whomever needed to know more. The whole day was like a neon stream of light that blurred and moved around her as there was a steady flow of movement that she could never quite settle on. The more intense the grief around her became, the less Ashlyn could handle it. She excused herself at least three times to gauge what pills she was going to take next in the privacy of her own bathroom. Sifting her fingers through the assortment, her eyes caught sight of a familiar yellow friend. The rectangular treasure reminded her of a dark time. She was transported back to a night that she’d resolved to taking her own life. She thought about how at that very tender age it seemed the world was coming to an end. She tried to compare with how she felt now and laughed. “No contest,” she mumbled. Thumbing through the baggie, she realized that her ‘friend’ had taken good care of her. He had given her exactly what she wanted. Pulling another pink pill out, Ashlyn put it on her tongue and swallowed. All better.

  
When Ashlyn began slurring her words and staggering, everyone was very quick to provide plenty of compassion and overlooked the possibility that she was stoned to keep from feeling. It turns out it was pretty easy to stumble her way through the days and let everyone who offered, ‘help’ her with making arrangements for Ali’s funeral and burial.

Ali’s funeral. Every time she heard that she almost smiled with nervous disbelief. She sat with Ali’s family and made ‘decisions’ about the ceremony and burial. The whole thing made her chest ache. By the time she sat down with the ‘Pride’ to discuss a public service at the complex, Ashlyn had it down to a science. Cry, nod and let people suggest what they thought was best. She’d reached the point of total numbness. Every night that she returned to her empty house, she struggled with whether or not she wanted to wake up in the morning.

The day of the actual funeral was a blur of scenes and broken flashes of images in her head that to this day she still can’t quite piece together. Ash had somehow made it through the mass, the viewing and the funeral services for family and friends. She knows that as sad and awful as it was, it was mostly uneventful until Ash had somehow found herself standing beside the coffin and looking down at Ali. It was sometime around this point that everything went to hell. All she can really remember happening for certain is her starting to cry, sitting on the carpet beside the white casket and putting her head in her hands.

There are flashes of the public service that was held at the field but nothing that Ashlyn could nail down as a solid memory. She was about ten or twelve days in to this nightmare now and had long since checked out mentally.

At some point around week three or four, Ashlyn had reached the stage where she was able to convince everyone to give her some time and space to process. It was around then that things started arriving special delivery.

Boxes of fan mail which were all heartfelt condolences started arriving. Ashlyn had stopped halfway through the second box. She’d read enough and resolved it would do no good to rehash how much Ali had meant to strangers who had connected with her through the love of a game with which she had been so talented. She started reading a letter from a children’s team that had attended one of her camps. They were talking about how kind and patient Ali was and that’s when Ashlyn threw that box across the room at the wall.

The next afternoon she sat at the dining room table staring into a box with her hand still clutching the flap. Her fingers traced over the parchment paper with the raised calligraphy that Ali had fallen in love with. She pulled out all the separate pieces that they were going to assemble together. The tinted tissue paper that elegantly fit over the announcement in a delicate lace design. The wedding invitations they had chosen came with instructions on timeline etiquette for sending them to their guests.

There was a second smaller box from the same company that she couldn’t imagine contained more invitations. When she ripped the cardboard top off, she saw the thick black separators that protected each photograph in its own plastic sheet. She and Ali had taken a photograph to send with each invitation. Lifting one out of the box, she stared blankly trying not to feel sentimental. Right around now, Ashlyn ripped the picture in half in a blind rage that had welled up from inside her. She heard a terrifying screaming that she recognized as her own. She shouted obscenities as she ripped at the box and tore pieces away in a frenzy that flew around her as she crumbled and destroyed every last smiling face she saw mocking her from the box.

By the time she had exhausted herself, she sat on the floor, back against the wall, sobbing to herself. This was when she started playing Russian roulette with her life. She pulled a bottle of her favorite whiskey from the cabinet. Pulling out a random fistful of the assorted pills, she washed them down with as many swallows as she could without it making her throw it all back up. She learned that the hard way. The first time she tried it, she took one swallow too much and before she knew it she had vomited everything up and it had spilled down her sweatshirt. She figured out the right combination to keep herself sedate for the better part of two and a half days at a time. That is until she discovered the light blue pills. A couple of those and she could coast through almost four days and think nothing of it. And that’s exactly what she thought of. Nothing.


	5. In My Head

Ashlyn sat sulking on her bed with her knees halfway to her chest and her arms resting on them. Her wet hair still dripped onto her shoulders soaking her tee shirt. Every few minutes, she would run her hand over her face and push her unruly hair away from her eyes. In between her aggressive hand movements to silently protest her disapproval of current company’s actions towards her, she’d sniffle and huff out a breath angrily to make her point. Listening to the conversation that went on around her, she buried her head further under her wet hair.

“Are we sure he found all the pills?” Megan asked as she side-eyed Ashlyn sitting quietly.

“There could be more, but he really did ambush her. I don’t think so.” Her conviction behind the answer set the small group at ease a bit. Crystal had immediately called in for help once she saw how serious things were. Until people had started arriving, she and Chris had made sure not to leave Ashlyn’s side. Crystal stayed on the floor beside her while she slept until everyone arrived.

“So the timeline we’ve pieced together here is that Syd was the very last one to talk to her before she went off the grid and that was like 7 weeks ago.” Abby shook her head. Looking over at Sydney, she asked, “And what was going on then?”

Sydney was standing in the bedroom doorway leaning on its frame with her arms folded. “I’d been coming by once a week to see her face because she’d cut off all communication on the phone. Honestly, I think that’s because she’d bullshit everyone into leaving her alone under the guise that she was ok and just needed some space. I didn’t buy it.” She took a few steps closer. “She’d been lying to me about her communication with the team. I was under the impression that she was on leave and that she was seeing a grief counselor they’d arranged. She even led me to believe that she’d been talking with Ali’s family.”

Sydney was glaring at Ashlyn and her voice had become raised. “So, after asking how “the team” thought she was doing and when she might be back, they let on they hadn’t spoken since the funeral. By this point, I’d been away for a couple weeks and made some calls. That’s when I put it all together. Everybody had been fed the same crap about how she was leaning on us all separately when in actuality, ……” Her voice trailed off when she took a closer look at her friend who was slumped on the bed. She’d started to silently cry. Her hair was covering her face enough that no one could see the tears that had begun falling. Sydney noticed Ashlyn’s shoulders subtly shaking. When she stopped talking, everyone focused on the soft sobs.

Calling from the bathroom, Hope asked, “What happened? Why’d it get so quiet?” Taking a few steps out of the bathroom with a towel over her head drying her hair, she pulled it off when no one answered.

Glancing around quickly, she saw the reason for the silence. Walking across the room and sitting on the edge of the bed, Hope tried to dry Ash’s hair some more, “Can you let me do this now?” Taking in an uneasy breath, Ashlyn sniffled but didn’t move. When there was no protest, Hope raised her eyebrows at the concession and quickly ran the towel over the wet head. Running her fingers back through the damp hair to untangle it and expose the sad face beneath, Hope asked, “Are you still mad at me?”

When there was no response, she took a gentle hold of Ash’s face with her hand and lifted her chin so she could look into her eyes. When they finally connected, Hope lowered her voice and apologetically explained, “I wasn’t trying to hurt you, kiddo. You needed that shower.”

Megan sat beside them and put a hand on her friend’s shoulder, “I gotta tell ya, it wasn’t what I always imagined it would be like.” Shaking her head, she continued, “Bubbles. I always imagined there’d be lots of bubbles when we all showered together.” Ashlyn’s swollen tearful eyes met Megan’s and for a brief moment, it seemed as if her face had poised to soften and there might have been a piece of a smile hiding. Then as quickly as the possibility flashed, it was gone. Her head dropped back down in defeat.

Going to the dresser, Sydney pulled open a drawer and peered inside. Pushing it shut, she opened the next one down. Seeing what she wanted, she lifted a tee shirt out and turned with it. As she held it up, she quickly crumbled it into a ball and put it back in the drawer and pushed it under some other clothes. With the AK11 shirt out of sight, everyone looked away and made sure Ash still had her head down. Turning with a new choice, the shirt pictured the movie poster for ‘Jaws’ on the front. “Let’s get her into some dry clothes now that she’s dripped dry.” Reaching around her waist, Hope pulled up the shirt she had struggled so hard to get on her friend 20 minutes earlier. Pulling on the dry one, she feathered the hair that was falling in soft waves now that it was lighter.

Sitting on the edge of the bed with the group of girls, Abby looked over at Hope, “I tell you, I didn’t think we were going to be able to keep her in that shower much longer.”

Megan nodded, “It definitely was a three-person job.”

Sitting behind Ash, Sydney gently reached around her waist and pulled her back against her. Hugging her tight, she sniffled away her own sadness. When she let out another sob, she started to cry, “I miss her too Ash. I miss her so much. My babies miss her.” Sydney paused to catch her breath and Megan wiped her eyes when they became too tear filled. With her body relaxed back, Ashlyn had been staring down with Sydney rocking her slowly. As the room slowly filled with the collective loss the women felt, Ashlyn felt their pain. Reaching up her hand, she placed it over her friend’s that was gripping her tightly. Sydney felt the movement and pulled Ashlyn tighter against her. “They miss you too, you know. They want to see you. They need their Auntie Ash.”

Sitting up and coming around her, Sydney sat down in front of her and took both of Ash’s hands into hers. Ashlyn met her with an embarrassed gaze. “….And I miss you. Do you hear me? You’re not checking out on me. I won’t let you.” She paused to search for a response. “And you’re not alone. Stop pushing everyone away.”

“Do we call an ambulance and get her help,” Abby questioned. “We certainly can’t leave her.”

Sydney shook her head, “If we do that her career is over.”

“If we don’t, her life is over,” Crystal argued.

Hope stood up and nodded, “You’re all right. She needs help. We can’t leave her and her career is done. She’ll never get out from under something like this.”

Megan snapped her head up and barked, “What makes you say that?”

Taking a flamboyant bow as if on stage, Hope asked, “So exactly when was the last time my feet touched the pitch? I think it was after TMZ got a hold of my mug shot and….”

“Yeah, alright,” Megan waved her off. “So then what do we do? I always knew Ash had the dark side but bags of pills and wrestling in the shower? I mean, what the fuck? And all that aside, she needs medical attention. Something in her shoulder is torn and that knee is ugly.”

Sydney caressed Ashlyn’s face gently and shook her head. “They’ll commit her,” she whispered.

“Can you all stop talking about me as if I’m mentally challenged?”

The sudden voice was so surprising that everyone had to look up to ensure it was really Ashlyn. Her hollow eyes blinked a few times as if trying to focus.

“Welcome back,” Crystal greeted.

Half of her mouth curling up a little, Ashlyn appreciated the sarcasm.

“I guess whatever you took wore off,” Megan asked.

Shrugging her shoulders, Ashlyn winced when she forgot her shoulder was busted up. Reaching her hand up to massage it, her face grimaced from the pain. “Well this blows,” she added.

With her hands on her hips now, Abby asked, “What blows?”

Running her hand through her hair, Ashlyn huffed out, “I’m in physical pain, I’m hung over, I have no pills,….” Rolling to the side halfway, she continued, “My ass is wet either from the shower or I pissed myself again, oh, yeah, and my beautiful, kind, talented, young wife that I can’t breathe without is still dead at 35. That’s what blows.”

Silence.

Ashlyn made sure she met everyone’s eyes with her own before speaking. “So before you start making decisions about the hopeless basket case, just remember that I’m not being unreasonable. We all should be getting dressed for our bachelorette party. I’m getting married this weekend. Oh, wait……No, I’m not!” Her voice had raised.

“Ash, please stop…” Sydney had to turn her head when the tears started to fall.

“I keep forgetting, I’m not getting married.” She was shouting now. “I’m not doing anything! Why is that? Because she’s dead. SHE’S DEAD! ALI IS DEAD…..” The words choking off in her chest, hot tears spilled over and trailed down her cheeks. Looking up at the ceiling, she let out a nervous laugh. “She’s dead...,” she whispered. “And I wish I was too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't tell you how much this hurts.


	6. Comfortably Numb

June 1, 2020

The elevator chimed and the doors opened for the fourth floor. Stepping out slowly, Sydney saw the reception desk and walked over. When the nurse acknowledged her, she smiled, “Ashlyn Harris. I’m picking her up for discharge.”

Sitting in a separate room, she waited for them to bring in her friend. Her friend that she’d called 911 for last fall when she went completely over the deep end. She said that ‘she wished she was dead.’ It hurt her heart to hear her say that. She was depressed and she needed help. No matter how much Ashlyn resented her for it, she needed someone to step in.

It had been 6 long months. When the paramedics came into the house, one of them sat with Ash and talked with her. In a stroke of luck, they’d arrived during a window of time that she’d answered their questions honestly and lucidly. Sydney remembers holding back tears with every response they got from her.

“You recently lost your wife?”

Ash nodded.

“Tell me about that.”

“She had a heart attack….at 35.”

The female paramedic asked, “How does that make you feel?”

Looking down into her lap, Ash held back tears.

Reaching for a hand, the young woman told her, “I need you to say it out loud. I have to hear you.”

Tears fell from Ashlyn’s eyes as she looked up and away to avoid making eye contact, “If you all leave, …” she wiped her nose with the back of her hand and sniffled, “I’m going to kill myself. Please help me.”

Sydney could barely keep it together as they gathered up her broken friend into the back of the ambulance and drove away. The death of their friend had affected so many lives. Alex had been there that night it happened. Since then, she’d separated from her husband and hadn’t played in a single game. She went to grief counseling to try and sort out what had happened but it had uncovered a frightening vulnerability in her that seemed to follow her. She’d become afraid of death and dying so much that she didn’t want to leave the house.

Kelley had supported Ashlyn the best way she knew how that night. But when Ash shut down and wanted to leave the hospital without seeing Ali, Kelley put her foot down. She refused to let her leave. Outside in the parking lot, the two screamed at each other until Ashlyn threatened to walk home. Kelley started to cry and that was it. Ashlyn walked home. The two haven’t spoken since.

Now, after months of intensive therapy and one suicide attempt, Ashlyn was going home. No one knows to this day how she was able to get her hands on the piece of metal she used to slice her wrist. Even though there was plenty of blood and she had a nasty scar, it wasn’t enough to really hurt herself. It was more of a cry for help emphasizing the emotional distress she was immersed in.

Coming through the door to the room followed by one of her doctors, Ashlyn looked at Sydney with a sort of defeated resolve. She didn’t really smile so much as she acknowledged. Standing, Sydney reached to hug her and stopped when Ash held out a hand and shook her head. Then, resting a hand on her shoulder, she nodded, “Ok. You’re ready?”

The doctor reminded, “Meetings. Make all of your meetings.”

Turning back, Ash nodded. “Alright.”

As they walked to the car, Sydney tried to open doors through the hospital and unlock the car for her. Taking her hand and resting over top of hers on the handle, she waited for her to look up. Ashlyn asked, “Do me a favor?”

“Sure,” she smiled.

“Stop doing that.”

Hesitating, Sydney questioned, “Stop doing what?”

“That,” she nodded. “Agreeing with me, walking on eggshells, holding doors.” Ashlyn looked down at Sydney still grasping the car handle. “And stop smiling at me like that.”

Pulling her hand back, she apologized, “I’m sorry.”

When Ashlyn shook her head and sighed at her quick resignation, Sydney corrected, “I mean, I…”

Ashlyn had folded her arms over herself and leaned back against the car. Feeling foolish for not knowing what to say at this point, Sydney looked at Ashlyn who seemed to be mocking her with her exaggerated stall.

“Fuck you, Harris.” Sydney tossed the keys in her face and leaned against the car beside her. “Drive yourself home.”

Raising her eyebrows a bit, Ash bent over to pick up the keys and handed them back to her, “At last, some honesty. And I don’t have my license on me.”

Snatching the dangling keys from her hand, Sydney called back, “Get in then.”

On the drive home, Sydney turned on the radio to break the awkward silence. She really didn’t know if it was good or bad that she’d responded the way she just did. Breaking the quiet, Ashlyn reminded her, “I asked you to stop that.”

Quickly glancing over questioningly, Sydney asked, “What now?”

Ashlyn looked away and said, “Evaluating every word you say and wondering if it’s going to make me want to kill myself.”

Checking the rear-view mirror and then pulling off onto the shoulder of the road, Sydney threw the car in park and turned in her seat to look across at the blonde. “Do you have something you want to say to me?” Her tone was strained.

Ashlyn shrugged and answered, “Not really.”

“I knew her almost as long as you did, you know? I miss her too.”

Turning a little to face her, Ashlyn smiled and almost sang, “So you wanna have a little pissing contest, do you? Wanna play who misses her more?”

Sydney sat back in her seat and mumbled, “I really don’t like you right now.”

“Right now? Or is that how you always felt?”

“She was my friend too, Ashlyn.”

“Did you like Ali better than me? Is that the reason you tolerated me?

“Why are you acting this way?” Sydney had had just about enough. “You’ve done nothing but be nasty.”

At last, Ash broke her gaze and looked away. “I’m angry.” Her voice had lowered and was less aggressive. “I’m so fucking angry.”

“I’d be surprised at anything less. I know how you two were. I don’t think anyone will ever understand what you guys had.”

Sydney’s statement stung. Her and Ali were hiding their relationship for so long that even when it became public knowledge, they’d already formed such a strong bond that it was them against the world. They spent more time together than castaways on an isolated island. Most of the time, they could communicate with just a look or even a subtle gesture. 

Ash looked back over at Sydney. She was gripping the wheel with both hands. Her thoughts had taken her somewhere far away. When she realized her friend was watching her, she continued, “I can’t imagine how you feel. Or what you’re going through.”

“I’m going through hell on earth.” Hesitating, Ashlyn waited for Sydney to meet her eyes again before speaking, “Can I ask you a question?”

Nodding slowly, Sydney tightened her grip on the wheel.

“Why did you call the ambulance that day?”

Lowering her stare, she thought for a while. “At first I just thought that’s what you do. The more we tried to talk to you, the worse things seemed to get. Ash, your clothes were stiff with vomit, urine and I don’t know what else. You were downing pills with alcohol every night and waking up bruised and battered because you passed out cold. Then you said you wished you were dead. Ashlyn, you’re one of my closest friends in the world. Tell me what you would have done. How would you have handled this?” Sydney was fighting to keep it together and not cry. “Losing Ali is surreal. I can’t believe most days that she’s really gone. It hurts. And that’s just me. How you feel and what you must be going through….I couldn’t process it. When you said you wished you were dead too, it scared the hell out of me. What I thought about….…” Her voice choked off and she swallowed a sob that had escaped her.

Still waiting for the finish, Ashlyn finally prompted her, “What you thought about…..”

Sydney squeezed her eyes shut tightly and tears escaped the sides. Looking over at her friend, she confessed, “I know you were stoned at her funeral.”

Ashlyn broke their contact and looked away embarrassed.

“I started to suspect that you were taking something but I didn’t want to throw that in the mix. We all had enough to deal with. When you spoke at her service, it broke my heart. I think it broke everyone’s heart. But that’s when I knew.”

Ashlyn leaned her head back on the headrest. She’d been piecing things together slowly over the last few months. Some things came back to her in large chunks and while other things came back in broken flashes. Unfortunately, the funeral was a lost memory. No matter how she tried, no matter how many times she would start from a point she could remember, she was never able to find the missing footage.

“What did I say?” Ashlyn’s voice was cautious and fearful of what she might hear.

Sydney looked back over at her friend who hesitated but finally relented and glanced over reluctantly. Pulling out her phone, Sydney began flipping through files. When she found what she was looking for, she held it out, “Here.”

Looking down at the phone questioningly, Ash questioned silently with raised eyebrows.

“Something told me you wouldn’t remember.”

Reaching her hand out, she took the phone and dropped her hands into her lap. She wasn’t sure she wanted to know but here it was. The missing pieces she’d been looking for. She took a long deep breath and played the video.

There was a pastor standing at a podium who stood aside when Ashlyn came to meet him and was handed a microphone. When she saw herself, she gasped. She was a shell in motion. Her eyes appeared hollow and her skin was so pale it was translucent. She was simply dressed in a short sleeved black tee shirt and black skinny jeans. No make up, no jewelry. Her hair looked as if she’d showered, towel dried it and that was all. When she took the microphone from the pastor, she cleared her throat and looked out at the people in the room waiting for her to speak. The room was silent. Watching herself stand in front of the crowd, even on the small screen, she could tell she was altered. Her eyes were unfocused and she had an unsettled jitter to her movements. Then she began slowly:

“Thank you to everyone here today. If you’re sitting in this room, it’s obvious that you recognize greatness. I think when you come so close to something so beautiful, everything else pales in comparison.” She watched the image of herself lose control. “Ali was definitely beautiful.” Her face became red and flushed, she began to sweat and a sob of grief escaped her before she was able to continue. “Around the end of the summer or the start of the fall, in 2010, however you want to look at it, I met this girl. I got called into a training camp to fill in for someone who was hurt. There she was, full of energy, had lots to say and was a little like me,… she had a kinda goofy sense of humor.” Everyone laughed despite the tears. “I liked her a lot. I was pretty sure she liked me. We spent a lot of time together. It seemed like we were long lost friends who picked back up without missing a beat. When the camp ended, I missed her. I wasn’t really sure why but I couldn’t stop thinking about her. Whenever we talked, on the phone or in person, after we hung up….it didn’t seem to be enough. It didn’t take me too long to figure out that when I was around her, she made me feel good about myself. I was happy. Happier than I could ever imagine. I think she did that with everybody she knew. She made you smile. And all I knew was that when I wasn’t around her, it seemed like the world was in black and white. The more time we spent together, the easier it was to see that we were good together. We made a great team.”

“Who wouldn’t want to spend time around someone like that? She was so kind and had a big heart.” Around this time, you could see the transition taking place. Ashlyn’s demeanor had changed. Her voice began to break and at times, sounded pained. She turned and took a step toward the white coffin that spilled over with delicate white tea roses. “Alex was the smartest, funniest, most caring person I ever met. And to think that she found a place in her heart to love me….” Ashlyn was looking at Ali now. Her gaze fixed while she stood motionless. “She was definitely the better half of the two of us.” Her voice was lower now. Breaking her gaze, she looked at the crowd in front of her. “I was so honored that I was going to be her wife.” Her head dropped slightly and she started to sniffle, wiping away tears. “I never wanted anything more. And she said yes. She agreed to take me as I am. All 100% of my crazy.”

Ashlyn’s shoulders dropped. She turned and shook her head sadly. “She kept this dress a huge secret from me. I know she wanted to look beautiful for our wedding and make me happy. You look so beautiful, darling. I would have made you happy.”

Ashlyn looked to Ali’s parents and apologized, “I swear I would have taken care of her. I’m sorry I let this happen.” Sliding to the floor, she dropped the microphone and let her head fall into her hands. “It should have been me.” Ashlyn started to cry and the video turned to the side when Sydney had set the phone down and went to Ashlyn’s side. You could see Ali’s mother had knelt beside her and was trying to console her. Before the video ended, Ash was in tears, lying on the floor with her arms wrapped around herself.

Ashlyn looked over at Sydney as she handed her back her phone. “We had to have a bunch of the guys carry you out.”

Sydney was still holding back tears when she asked, “What was I supposed to do, Ash? Then you shut me out and I find you in the condition that I did, was I supposed to walk away?”

“I don’t know.”

“Neither do I. But I didn’t want to lose you too. I didn’t want you to hurt so much. I thought I was helping. Did any of this help?”

Ash shrugged her shoulders. “They beat you into submission. I faked it for about as long as I could tolerate having to deal with them bringing her up every day all day until I snapped.”

“Is that when you cut yourself?”

“Yeah. I just wanted quiet.”

Sydney shot her a look and Ashlyn had to look away. “Did they buy your bullshit?”

Ash shook her head, “No.” Giving her best side eye, she asked, “Are you?”

Putting her car in drive, she checked her mirror and nodded, “No.” As the two drove off down the road, Ashlyn turned the radio up a little louder.


	7. Everybody Hurts

Before Ashlyn opened her front door, she took a long deep breath. Her hand holding the key in the lock, she turned it and pushed slowly. Standing in the doorway, she let her hand drop and just stared. Sydney came to her side and said, “I boxed up all the things that were here in the dining room,” she motioned with her hand, “and I put it all on the shelves in the garage.”

Remembering what was there, Ashlyn glanced over briefly. “Thanks.” There was little emotion in the response but it was all she could muster at the moment. Seeing that she was trying, Sydney left it alone.

Ashlyn took a few steps farther into her home and stopped again. She could see Sydney watching her carefully out of the corner of her eye. She resisted the urge to give her shit about it. Her actions only wanted approval.

Her friend had obviously come here and cleaned up. The windows were open letting in sunshine and summertime air. The scent of freshly cut grass and humidity permeated the house. The curtains and blinds had been pulled back on the sliding glass doorways in the living room and the kitchen making it bright and inviting. Her dining room table was neatly cleared and redressed with the navy blue linen napkins and decorative place settings that Ali loved. Ashlyn made a mental note to burn them out back in an epic bonfire.

As she walked a little more into the house she could smell cinnamon. Sydney would boil a few sticks in her home to make it feel warm and cozy when guests were over. Ali had always remarked how much she liked it. Right now, it was turning her stomach.

Sydney took a few steps ahead of her and said, “I hope you don’t mind, I got you a few things for your frig just so you’d have something for now. You can get what you really want later.”

Again, quickly looking over, Ash nodded and managed in acknowledgement of appreciation.

The family room was still as she’d left it the afternoon they’d left for the game. Ashlyn leaned against the doorway lost in thought. The throw pillows were arranged the way they’d left them after they’d made love on the sofa that morning after breakfast. One was resting where her feet curled under it as they kissed when Ashlyn had sat down behind her and wrapped her arms around her waist. Later, when they were naked and Ali had laid back with Ashlyn resting on top of her, she pulled the other pillow from under her head and set it beside them on the chaise lounge. The grey chenille blanket was still tossed halfway over the back of the sofa haphazardly when they’d realized how much of the day had gotten away from them. Ali had blamed Ashlyn for breaking the ‘no sex on gameday’ rule but quickly forgave her when she couldn’t say no.

A smile had crept halfway onto Ashlyn’s face when she became aware of Sydney watching her. Breaking her gaze from the room, she turned and stared across the kitchen. She knew that down the hall was the guest room and her bedroom. Neither of which she wanted to go near. When sleeping in their bed had become too much, Ashlyn had moved herself into the guest room.

Ashlyn had done everything she could to rid the room of Ali’s smell. She’d washed the linens several times, put on a new comforter set and even replaced the pillows. Nothing worked. Still, every night she’d lay awake and smell Ali’s scent. It had gotten so bad that one night, in a dreamy haze, she’d almost fallen asleep. Out of habit, when she felt herself drifting, she rolled onto her side and as she reached for Ali, she whispered, “Good night.”

When she rolled off the mattress and hit her head on the bedside table, she sat up angrily and cursed. As soon as she did, she swore on her life and everything she loved, that she heard Ali scold her for her swearing. She sat there in the dark in a cold sweat for a good hour listening and wondering if she’d gone mad. After a week or two of not sleeping, she was sure it had been enough to drive anyone a little nutty. After that, she took up residence in the guest bed with a bottle of whatever she could find to make it a little easier.

As Ashlyn stared, Sydney interrupted the silence, “I hope you don’t mind I cleaned up the bedrooms for you. I did some laundry and freshened up the sheets and linens.”

Resting her hand on her friend’s shoulder, Ash smiled as best she could, “Thanks. I know you went through a lot to take care of this for me.”

“I wanted you to come home to things already sorted out.”

Deciding to rip off the band aid, Ashlyn took a quick breath and walked toward her bedroom. As soon as she crossed through the doorway, she stopped herself. Ali’s dresser was all she could see. The little box sitting on top of it held the diamond engagement ring she’d given to her. Sydney had cleaned out Ali’s locker and made sure she brought her jewelry home for Ashlyn.

Turning halfway and looking over at Sydney, Ash laughed. She ran her hand over her face and shook her head. Walking out of the room and back into the kitchen, Ash mumbled to herself, “That’s enough for today.”

Leaning back on the counter, she folded her arms over herself and began shaking her head. “I honestly don’t know what to do with myself.”

Before Sydney could say anything, someone knocked lightly on the front door. When Ashlyn shot her a look, Sydney threw her hands up into the air, “Do you really think I told anybody to come here and share in this abuse?”

Ashlyn wanted to smile but the thought made her face ache. Pushing off the counter, she went to the front door and opened it. Staring blanking at each other, no one spoke.


	8. Over My Head

The silence was so thick between the two that Sydney came to the door behind Ashlyn and stared. When she saw Kelley, she stepped closer to the doorway. Ash stepped back and let out an uneasy breath. She could taste the tears that she was already swallowing. Seeing Kelley standing there flashed her back to that night.

_Ashlyn vaguely remembers them saying the words ‘I’m very sorry but your wife has died.’ She remembers feeling as if she were in a wind tunnel again. The voices seemed to echo around her and a wave of nausea washed over her. When the counselor asked if she wanted to see Ali, her heart began to race and all she knew was that she needed to get out of that building. She asked Kelley to give her the keys to her car so she could go but Kelley refused. _

_Ashlyn’s face contorted itself into a confused twisted stare. When she realized Kelley was serious, she reached out her hand and repeated, “Give me my keys.”_

_Kelley was shaking her head and backed up a step. The look in Ashlyn’s eyes had darkened and her stance had become almost threatening. Grace reached for Ashlyn’s arm to try and calm her but the blonde shrugged it off so aggressively that she didn’t dare continue._

_Taking another step backward, Kelley pushed her hand into her pocket to safeguard the keys. Shaking her head, she began, “Ash, you will regret this for the rest of your life if you don’t see her.”_

_Ashlyn had taken another step toward Kelley and was looking down at the pocket Kelley had her hand pushed into. Holding her hand out, Ashlyn ignored her words. “Give me my keys.” Her tone gave Kelley a chill. _

_“Ashlyn, I know you loved her so much. You need to say goodbye.” The words had barely left her lips when Ashlyn lurched forward and began wrestling with her friend for the car keys she’d tucked in her pocket. Pressed back against the wall, Kelley was pushing back now, “Ash, Ali needs you. She needs you to…”_

_ Slamming her back into the wall, the blonde knocked the wind out of her. Doubling over, Kelley whined a little at the sharp pain and looked up sharply, “Ali needs you right now you fucking coward. Stop being so god damn selfish and go see your wife.”_

_Ashlyn’s chest spasmed when she started to cry. Her breath stuttered and she turned away from Kelley and pulled open the family room door. She numbly headed down the long hallway, everything passing in a blur, until she reached the double doors leading out to the emergency room parking lot. _

_When she reached the outside, Kelley had caught up with her and grabbed Ashlyn’s arm, “Where are you going? You forgot about Ali.” Her hand gesturing back to the hospital. “You’re just going to leave her here without saying anything?”_

_Ashlyn stopped for a brief moment, staring out at the night. Kelley loosened her grip and coaxed, “Come on. Let’s go back.” As quickly as the pause had stilled her movements, Ashlyn shrugged Kelley from her hold and started walking again. Her pace was slow and much more hesitant this time. She was questioning her decision. _

_Kelley put herself in front of her friend, blocking the way with her body and pushing back. Ashlyn grabbed her by the shoulders and held her shirt tightly in each fist, “Give me my car keys or get out of my way.”_

_Their eyes met and Kelley felt herself losing control as the tears spilled from her eyes, “You didn’t deserve her, Ashlyn Harris. She deserved better than a piece of shit like you.”_

_Releasing her hold on her, the blonde slapped her face hard enough that it knocked her off balance, sending her backwards onto the ground. Kelley scrambled to her feet, defiantly refusing to look away as her vision blurred. Then, reaching into her pocket, she pulled out Ashlyn’s keys and threw them at her, “Here.” Stepping into the gesture, she railed off a punch that landed on Ashlyn’s cheek, catching her off guard. Holding her face, she stared back surprised. “Now we know, don’t we? You never really loved her.”_

_Ashlyn face was streaked with tears. Kelley’s words choked off into silence and she turned her back and walked to the hospital. _

_Picking the key ring up off of the ground, Ashlyn turned halfway and looked back after Kelley. Her eyes wandered up the building and watched a helicopter descending on the roof. When she looked toward the hospital foyer, Kelley was gone. _


	9. Bizarre Love Triangle

  
“I don’t know what to say,” Ashlyn told her. Stepping past her into the doorway, Kelley helped out with, “Well, inviting me in would be a good start.”

Wiping her eyes with the back of her hand, Ashlyn broke their stare first. She turned and walked back into the house as she shook her head, “Kelley, I’ve been here a total of 45 minutes and you just set me back six months in twenty seconds flat.” Her voice was solid but she sniffled back the salty taste of tears and sadness. The pressure had returned to her chest and she felt the mounting anxiety gripping her insides.

  
The sound of the front door closing forced her to turn and face her friends who were both just staring. Leaning back against the edge of the dining room table, Ashlyn asked, “So now what? How long do we stare at each other? What's the protocol?”

  
Sydney walked past them both and mumbled, “I’m going to make some iced tea.”

  
Nodding, Ashlyn added, “That’s a great idea.” Gesturing with her hand outstretched, she went on, “Why don’t I fire up the grill and we can make an evening out of it?” Looking to Kelley, with raised eyebrows, Ashlyn asked, “Any requests?”

  
Taking a few more steps into the room, Kelley shook her head sadly, “You know, I can’t tell if you were always an asshole or if Ali complemented you so much that I just never noticed.”

  
The comment took the wind out of the blonde. Unfolding her arms from over herself, she walked through the living room and unlatched the sliding glass door. Throwing it open angrily, she slammed back the screen when she slid it open and walked out onto the patio. Sitting back on one of the lounge recliners, she took in a long deep breath. 

  
Eventually Kelley followed her because she heard the sliding door close. When she sat down on the recliner beside Ash, she immediately began, “Don’t sit there, Ali…” Her face contorted itself as she stopped the words from tumbling from her lips. 

  
Lowering her voice, Kelley shook her head, “No. Ali isn’t sitting here.”

  
Shooting her back with an angry glare, Ashlyn asked, “What do you want?”

  
Not looking away, Kelley soberly asked, “Did you beat Ali?”

  
Her mouth dropping open, the blonde clenched her fist and stared wide-eyed, “Are you fucking stoned?” After enough silence, she threw her hands up, “Kelley, what do you want?”

  
“I’m trying to get past this ugly, ugly side of you that would probably make Ali feel ashamed to know you. The way you attacked me at the hospital…”

  
“Attacked you...,” Ashlyn interrupted. "You had my keys."

  
“The way you abandoned your wife without saying goodbye…”

  
Her face growing red with anger, Ashlyn was gripping the arm of the recliner.

  
“This business with you taking pills and drinking yourself into a stupor…”

  
Squeezing her eyes shut and then opening her mouth to relax her clenched jaw, Ash sat forward and leaned closer to Kelley, “I’m warning you,” she was pointing, “there’s only so much I can take.”

  
Leaning closer, Kelley never broke her gaze, “I’m not going anywhere. Your wife was one of my best friends and so are you. I was right beside her on that field, Ashlyn. I was holding her hand for Christ’s sake.” Keeping her focus on Ashlyn, she said, “I saw her double over and just blew if off with a quick ‘you ok’ when I ran by.”

  
Kelley’s eyes filled with tears but she never blinked to release them. Ashlyn looked away and out at the yard. Inevitably, her eyes settled on the rock garden with wild flowers that Ali had planted.

“Fuuuuck,” she breathed out. “I’m just gonna have to move.”

  
Narrowing her eyes, Kelley frowned, “Why?”

  
Glancing back over at Kelley, Ashlyn made the gesture around her, “Because you’re sitting in her chair, I’m staring at her rock garden, our bed smells like her no matter what I do…”

  
“OK, so you move. You’ll still be breathing the air that she did, looking at the sun that tanned her body and walking on the earth that she’s now buried under.”

  
“I really hate you right now.”

  
“Well at least we agree on something.”

  
Sydney came out the screen door through the porch and set a tray down beside them on the table. Standing silently with her hands on her hips, she asked, “What’s happened now?”

  
Shrugging a little, Ashlyn began, “I was just getting ready to drown Kelley in the pool and bury her in the rock garden.”

  
Kelley’s nose wrinkled and looked up at Sydney, “This chic really thinks she’s somebody.” Gesturing with her head, she shook it while she rolled her eyes, “Does she think she’s scaring anybody?”

  
Sydney nervously looked down at Ash and then back to Kelley. Shielding the sun from her eyes, she ran her tongue over her teeth nervously and looked from one to the other again. “If I leave to pick the kids up,” then pointing to them both, “will this end with one of you on the six o’clock news?” 

  
Ashlyn cracked a smile and Sydney threw her hands up before she turned to leave, “The mental chess is giving me a migraine. I’d rather listen to ‘baby shark’ thirty-five times in a row.” As she crossed the patio and pulled open sliding door, she waved without turning, “Don’t kill each other.”


	10. a new chapter

A new chapter is coming very soon. I promised you this was not abandoned.


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